The Family Table, aka, UGH.
Having a family simultaneously draws us to the table and keeps us away. It’s often parenthood that reminds us of the importance of regular dinners and inspires us to make them a priority. And when it works, it’s amazing. My fondest childhood memories are of the five Tanseys tucking into dinner and conversation at our old wooden kitchen table. But when it doesn’t quite work, it’s the worst. When a partner gives up carbs, or when a snarly teenager lectures adults about destructive farming practices, or when a little kid won’t eat anything green, it’s easy to dismiss dinner and let those dingdongs fend for themselves.
I call this frustrating state of affairs “being out of sync.” When you can’t get everyone at the table to agree to the same meal, it’s certainly tempting to give up on the dream of a happy dinner ritual. I’ll never forget the five months when I was writing my second book, and Thomas was seven. He only wanted steak, pork or chicken, and refused eat anything “mixed up together”; Michael was training for a marathon and was trying to eat complex carbs and lots of plants; and I was testing 90 recipes for a cookbook. We were totally out of sync.
There are a few solutions to being out of sync. You could make separate meals for everyone (or, better yet, allow them to make their own) or have the freezer stocked with meal options for everyone.
But there are also seasons of life when, even if everyone is eating different things, being together at the table is all that matters. It’s not always about the food. I know that for me, for now, family dinnertime is worth some compromises.
Here are a few things that have worked for us. I’d love to hear what works for you.
Share the load. Whether it’s an idea for one dinner, or helping to shop, prep or clear up, everyone contributes, and we switch tasks too. Since I’m usually the dinner-maker, I force myself to take a supporting role sometimes. Even Thomas pitches in, and so Michael and I happily eat his picks two nights a week.
Be considerate without catering. When dishes can be served deconstructed (like tacos) or customized (half the pizza has meat, half the chicken has a spice rub), do it.
Set some dinner table rules. Ours include no screens, no bathroom talk, no “yucks.” We sit together and have conversation, and we always thank the cook. (And, yes, adults too!)
Eating isn’t a fight. Our son, like many kids, learned early that food can be a power game. Refuse to play. If your kid won’t eat something, calmly reply,, “You don’t have to eat it.” If s/he is still hungry after 10 or 15 minutes of sitting politely at the table, s/he can make a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal.
Enjoy each other. The conversation doesn’t need to be deep and meaningful. It’s fine to just be together. Try to remember why you like each other—with time, and the help of great low-stress dinners, that will be easy.
